if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
