i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
