I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
