I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
