i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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