hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
