Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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