Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
