So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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