I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
