Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have feelings that need drinking.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
