I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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