$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
