he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
