can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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