Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
