well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
