are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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