Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
