I wanna bring you to show and tell
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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