Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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