morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
