Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
