I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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