wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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