Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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