Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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