dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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