nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
