Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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