MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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