it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
