Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
