Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
