Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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