Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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