There was a lot of him and a little penis
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
