I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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