So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
