I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
