Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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