Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
