I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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