somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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