I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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