I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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