so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
