last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
