my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
