her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
